I was a porn addict.
Yep, you read that correctly.
Why am I sharing that with you? Because 1 out of every 3 women watch porn and most of them are addicted. In fact, 40 million Americans visit porn sites every single day and over 1/3 of those are female.
Do you think that’s not happening in the church? Well, it is.
According to Charisma News, “68 percent of church-going men and over 50 percent of pastors view porn on a regular basis. Of young Christian adults 18-24 years old, 76 percent actively search for porn” (2018). Wait, we’re not done, “33% of women aged 25-and-under search for porn at least once per month and 87 percent of Christian women have watched porn.”
I spent 10 years addicted to pornography and seemingly not by, what felt like, my choice. I was born again, Spirit-filled and had all the right things in place (at least on the outside) but, I was addicted. It felt like I had to have it like I have to have water, it gripped me and would not let go or at least I thought it would not let go.
When we sing songs of chains breaking free, I think of that. I think of the chain of pornography that eventually did break free, and gave me freedom I never thought I could have. Sin is a chain and when it breaks, you can almost hear it-it sounds like praise.
In today’s podcast, I share my story and how I overcame the addiction. For those of you wondering why I am sharing this now, well, I have always been willing to share it actually, I just never had the platform to do so.
I have felt the call on my life to step out in ministry for years and that ministry involves no curtains, no masks and no filters. That ministry is raw and real and goes on a journey of Christianity in real life with real people. That journey involves admitting my own mistakes, my own failures and showing you how Christ redeemed me and how he can redeem you too.
I hate to be the one to tell you this but, the world doesn’t need anymore perfect Christians.
Yep, as it turns out, Christ didn’t come for the righteous but for the sinners (Luke 5:32). And, if we are really truthful, we would admit there isn’t a single one of us that’s perfect. That means, everyone has something. Everyone has a secret, everyone has a sin that entangles them at times or maybe has hung around since you were a child almost like a shadow you can’t get away from. We all have that or have had that, you’re not alone.
I was exposed to pornography as a child playing around with boys in the neighborhood however, my addiction didn’t become full blown until I was a teenager when we all received a computer for the first time. Yes, folks, the internet was born.
We received the internet when I was 16 years old and no one knew what to do with it. Literally, no one. We didn’t know about chat room etiquette and parental controls because they simply did not exist. It was all new and evil was hiding everywhere but no one really knew until it was too late.
I didn’t know it until it was too late.
What started as curiosity bled into something else entirely and I know for a fact, I was not the only one. Actually, I think it was worse in Christian circles because we finally had somewhere to search things, you know, the things we didn’t ask other people about or the things other Christians didn’t tell us about.
But, once it started, I felt as though I could not stop it. It held tight to me. It would come and go and disappear and reappear for about 10 years. I soon figured out temptation would come when I was tired or bored so I spent a good amount of time trying to avoid being tired or bored. I sought out everything I could find for help and did eventually find XXXChurch.com which helped with support and finding out I was not alone.
After ten years of struggling and meeting others who spent the majority of their lives struggling I realized, it didn’t have to be this way. I was literally one decision away from a different life.
Sex sins are one of the biggest “shamers” Satan uses especially with Christians. No one wants to talk about it and everyone wants to act like it’s someone else’s problem or the “world’s” problem but not ours. However, if you ask any Christian counselor or pastor, they’ll tell you-it impacts almost everyone in one way or another and certainly more people than you know.
Satan loves to keep us bound by secrecy and shame.
The day I realized I could make a decision to change, I made it. The world would say it was “positive thinking” or some kind of “mind over matter” type of thing, but it was not.
I made some kind of deep, internal decision that could only have been made with the Holy Spirit. The kind of decision that sets you free. I made the decision to become unbound, to break free and never pick up those chains again.
Finally, this idea that the Spirit of Him who raised Christ from the dead lives inside of me really hit me (Rms. 8:11). I got it. I was resurrected, I’m not in the tomb anymore, I’m not wearing the grave clothes anymore-I’m free.
It’s been at least 14 years now and I have met many, many women who have struggled with the same thing, in secret. I feel like God just allows our paths to cross, paths that lead to healing.
I have walked the road of redemption and reconciliation with a very real God who came to do just that, to redeem and reconcile. Shame doesn’t have a grip on me because I know I have been set free. It can’t be used against me, it’s not mine anymore. And, that’s the secret, you have to let it go. No one can use your past mistakes against you if you’re not holding onto them anymore-Christ took those, let them go.
I can boldly tell my story which includes a lot of ups and downs and stupid decisions because I worship a God who redeems our stories, he redeems our mess ups, our mistakes and even our addictions.
This story might make some of you uncomfortable and that’s ok. It should, it’s a story about sin and sin should make you feel uncomfortable. But, I pray you hear the story of redemption and seek to share your own. We won’t reach the broken if we keep acting as though we don’t understand brokenness.
Are you wanting a community of real people with real struggles who love a real God? You’ve come to the right place. Listen to my testimony on today’s podcast here or on iTunes, Stitcher or Spotify.
If you are dealing with pornography addiction, I would recommend starting here at XXXChurch.com. There are books that are helpful as well, one of the books is Every Woman’s Battle (there are men’s versions and a youth version). And, without a doubt, I would recommend you seek counsel from a qualified Christian counselor and/or therapist that can walk you through the steps of recovery. Every single person is different, no one has the same recovery story-please seek help.
Sarah Ann is an author, speaker and media personality committed to honesty, vulnerability and authenticity. She has a passion for empowering people who are willing to be honest and walk out life in Christ together. Sarah holds a Bachelors in Biblical Studies and a Masters in Theology and Apologetics, she also owns a clothing company, Ascent516.com and is the creator of SarahAnnSpeaks.com and the Sarah Ann Speaks Podcast. Sarah is featured daily on GEB TV.
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